I have two things on my mind, in great conflict:
1. Easter apparently now bestows a "right" to eggs and hunts and such. I blame Hollywood and the new movie Hop. Think I'll stop right there with that one.
2. Aubrey is forever on my mind and though I spent hours this morning searching through blog posts of people trekking the Langtang last April and May, I am no closer to anything. I walk into her father's and mother's office everyday, but am not a confidante to warrant having strong feelings about what has happened to Aubrey in Nepal. Ashley gets that right, yet we all feel it and pretend like we don't everyday. An article in the local newspaper ran today about the one-year anniversary since anyone heard from her. I think her father has great wisdom about life. In pieces and parts, the article goes like this:
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New leads for Aubrey take one to three months to investigate. There is no search and rescue organization like the one in Larimer County in Nepal. But it’s not just Nepal. Our own country hasn’t helped as much as the Saccos would like, they said. They understand Clinton is busy and America has many other problems to tackle, and they even say Aubrey was traveling alone and therefore did assume some risk. But they also say America has more resources in law enforcement and tracking than practically any other country in the world.
“A government as strong as ours,” Paul said. “Even though I shouldn’t expect them to come to our rescue, why the hell wouldn’t they? The biggest epiphany in all this is you have always thought that when something happens, you call the police and they are supposed to take care of it. That could not be further from the truth.”
That doesn’t mean some aren’t trying, they said. Some FBI agents are working on Aubrey’s case at night, on their own time. Many, Paul said, are fathers with daughters.
“That’s been our best surprise,” Paul said.
Angels, Paul calls them, his eyes shining.
“I don’t think people realize how much they keep us going,” Paul said.
They NEED those things, almost desperately, all the time, because hard winds do blow and bad times do come. Connie will talk to her boys, and a thought will pop in her head: “I need to call Aubrey.” Paul still calls Aubrey’s voicemail just to hear her voice. They can’t grieve because there’s no closure. The unknown cripples them.
“One thing our therapist told us is the grieving never ends,” Paul said. “There’s no final stage.
“But guess what? We still have hope.”
Aubrey believed if you manifested all of your energy into something, it would happen, Paul said. At least she thought it worked.
“And we do, too,” Paul said.
I am just a bit sad today.
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